Author: Sam Pretorius
I’m writing this with the head of a psychologist, but from the heart of a mom. This may resonate with many moms but it is written more specifically for those who trying (and feel like they’re failing a lot of the time) to do the impossible task of continuing with “business as usual” while running a household, educating small people and trying to be a half decent partner to a spouse.
Mom, if you are tired, discouraged, overwhelmed, feeling like you’re doing far too much yet not nearly enough, I see you. I am you.
It’s not often that I, as I psychologist, am going through the same hardships, at the same time, as my clients or those to whom I’m speaking or writing. Yes, I connect with clients by virtue of both being human, but in this time of COVID-19, I am writing to you as someone immersed in the same crisis in which you find yourself. Don’t get me wrong, no two people’s experiences are ever the same, but there is a relatedness that this shared experience brings that I’ve not felt before.
In light of this, I thought I’d briefly share some of my paradoxical experiences in the hope of normalising some situations you may have found yourself in.
Wanting to cling to my people at home yet wanting to be alone, just for a moment.
I love my family, they truly are my greatest treasure and being with them fills my love tank. Being a mom and a wife are the two things I’ve known for certain since I was a child that I wanted to be. And at the same time, wow, what I would do for some time on my own. I’m not asking for much, maybe a shower without someone trying to climb in or lying on my bed, on my own, with a book … bliss.
Wanting to use our limited, precious free time to connect with my husband and yet wanting to spend it on Instagram or do something else as mindless.
Ever feel like you’re living past your partner? In the same space yet not connecting? That’s what the days are like in my house as my hubby and I tag in and out of work and parenting duties. I long to connect with him in a meaningful way and yet, at night, when our daughter is asleep and we can truly revel in each other’s company, you’re more likely to hear me say, “pass me my iPad please” and then I’ll aimlessly scroll through social media. I just don’t have the energy.
Being so grateful for the effort school is making by sending ideas, activities, videos, etc and at the same time, resenting all the messages on the classroom group
It is wonderful to have new ideas for crafts and play time, novel ideas and things I wouldn’t have thought of yet at the same time, knowing that I probably won’t do 1/8 of what is suggested (I mean, seriously, I’m working here!) makes me feel useless and guilty and like I am hindering me child’s growth and development.
Desperately missing my family and friends and wanting to connect with them yet not being able to face another Zoom/ FaceTime/ Google Hangouts session
Gosh but I long for my family! We’ve never gone this long without seeing one another and friends? The coffee dates, the braais, visits to the park, conversation over a bottle of wine. We’re missing out on each other’s childrens’ lives, grandparents are being left behind by the lack of connection and so on. But the thought of another video call where the connection is questionable, everyone talks over one another, and all we talk about is COVID-19? I just can’t some days.
Wanting the days to hurry up and pass yet wanting to savour this time and see it as a gift.
21 days seemed long, then 35 felt unbearable, and now that we’re long past that, my feelings towards time seem to change. I wish this phase of our lives rushed past like a car breaking the speed limit and at the same time, the thought of not being with my husband and daughter most of the day everyday makes me feel like this is such a gift and I want to soak up each moment.
Dying to go back to the office yet dreading the reintegration to the workplace
I’ve learnt something about myself during this time (well a lot really, but something that is relevant here) … I would far rather go to the office, put my head down and work at 100% for a shorter amount of time and then come home and give home my 100% the rest of the time. While working at home, having a meeting at 9am while doing a load of laundry in the background; baking gingerbread man at 10am; have a Zoom counselling session at 11am; changing a nappy 12pm and having a teddy bear picnic at 12:15pm before the next session at 13:00; and so on requires serious juggling of roles and shifting from professional to parent headspace continuously the whole day is exhausting! And yet, as I type this, I can’t imagine not having a quick snuggle and a soppy wet kiss from my daughter between meetings. The idea of going to work at my office and not seeing her for 6 hours at a time now makes me want to weep…
The bottom line? This is hard ladies, a time full of internal (and external) conflict. A time that is confusing, one that feels like a gift and a curse at the same time. Our minds are incredibly powerful and the way we thinking about situations shapes our experience of them.
Something I try practice myself and encourage my clients to do is to avoid all or nothing thinking, not seeing the black and white, but seeing the grey in between. I think this time in our lives requires this more than ever. It’s not all good and it’s certainly not all bad.
If we can sit in that space in between, to remember that there is good in the bad, we are more likely to find joy in the gems that this time brings and to remember in the difficult times that this too will pass.
Author: Sam Pretorius
Sam Pretorius is a Cape Town based Counselling Psychologist. She obtained her BPsych (Counselling) and MA (Counselling Psych), both cum laude, from the Nelson Mandela Metropolitan University (NMMU) in Port Elizabeth after which she and her husband relocated to Cape Town.
During her career, Sam has been involved in a variety of activities with a focus on counselling, supervising and lecturing. She has also worked in the school environment with children across the age range, as well as their parents. While still involved in tertiary education, these days the majority of Sam’s work focuses on her private practice where she consults with individuals presenting with a wide array of life challenges. She also provides pro-bono support to a local NGO focusing on childhood mental health.
On a more personal note, she is married and has a young daughter. She enjoys nothing more than being with loved ones, particularly outside, enjoying the beautiful city of Cape Town. She has two dogs that she loves but drive her crazy. In her spare time, you are likely to find her reading a good psychological thriller, with a strong cup of coffee in hand, or going for a long walk.
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