Jun 1, 20208 min read

Lockdown for single mom of three, and owner of well-known JHB Salon & Entrepreneur

By Tamsyn Renolds

Single mom of three, and owner of Hello Hair Fourways (a very well known salon in Sandton, Johannesburg) gets real and raw as she opens up about all the emotions she has gone through in Lockdown:

Hello mommies, entrepreneurs and fellow Covid-19 survivors.

The Corona Virus brought to light a few personal pre-pandemic curves that I have been working on flattening, and it has revealed the areas of my life that I was not happy with and was longing to change. With the gift of time, I see more clearly now, how to do that.

My Corona journey has led me through many different stages both practically and emotionally, and here is my story so far.

An image/vision came to mind right at the start of lockdown (anyone else get these sometimes?)

I saw a woman lying on the shore. She was naked, rolled into a ball with seaweed clinging to her, she lay in shock for the longest time feeling completely exposed, uncertain and afraid. You see, the ocean had been her home for many years, a place she had learnt to navigate, a place where she hid from her problems in, a place she was able to stay busy, always having to swim. Even before Covid the ocean had been feeling deeper and deeper, the effort it took to swim had increased, the water had become a little less clear and life under there had lost a little bit of meaning, but still, she swam and swam.

Almost in the blink of the eye, the ocean receded and along with it her layers of protection, her certainty, everything.

So there she lay, immobilised and exposed and waited for a wave to come and pull her back into the ocean.. But it didn't, in fact, it still hasn't.

You may have guessed it, the wave is Corona, and the ocean, a metaphor for her life.

It has been 60 something days since I shut the doors of my hair salon due to lockdown regulations. Perhaps some of you have heard of Hello Hair, which is situated in Fourways? It is a small salon (well, 18m2 to be exact) that is home to 5 staff members and countless clients.

We have the good fortune of having established a large, loyal customer base and are often booked ahead of time, as was the case before Corona. A week prior to lockdown, appointments were starting to be cancelled, the fear and uncertainty of the virus tugging at people's sleeves. So in effect it has been about 70 something days since we had an ordinary day in store with business as usual and money coming into the business bank account. It's not all about money... but I'll tell you, when the money just stops coming in.. It very quickly reminds you just how reliant we are on it to support our lifestyles.

So, the salon closed, I packed up the valuable items i.e.: laptops, card machines etc. etc. and went home.

That was me on a physical level, perfunctory, almost robotic, just going through the motions. Then there was me emotionally: The woman that had been washed ashore....

What would I do if I couldn't do? Where would I go to hide away from my problems? How would I face the responsibility of being with my children all day everyday? Who was I if I wasn't a salon owner, entrepreneur, stylist, and busy body?

All of these emotions emerged at once and I need to be honest, I spent the first week of lockdown in pure flight or fight. Determined to continue with the illusion that I was in control, I started doing hair tutorials and amped up my business social media posts, I started to seriously enforce house rules and structure, and oh my God.. The forms, the 50 million forms to be downloaded, compiled and completed for UIF and all the relief funds (of which I was so grateful to receive UIF for myself and my staff, not a cent from the rest.) I started drinking every day.. Looking back now It was as though I possessed by a demon, determined to maintain my sense of control.. The demon of control and perfection.

Thank goodness I am no longer operating in that space, but I've got to tell you, it was not fun!

So there I was, on the shore, still rolled up in a ball, the habits of a busy life leaving me with absolute withdrawals, shaking and heaving and trying with every fibre to go back to how things were. However I couldn't, because nothing was as it was anymore.

So I went through the withdrawal period and moved into a new space... I went from feeling exposed to absolute rage. How dare they do this! How dare they take this from me! I got caught up in the agenda of it all and hardly took a moment to notice the actual virus itself. I was furious at the realisation that we were merely a cog in the wheel, so easily controlled. I said things like;

What is the point anyway if it can all be taken away just like that?

I felt things like, I'm out, I'm out of a society where everyone is so governed.. I'm going to go my own way. Join a commune, live off the land: F*ck this and f*ck them.

Eventually the anger started to subside and some new emotions started to surface. What am I going to do? What is going to happen? How long will this last? My anxiety levels soared and again, my drinking increased. Can I just say that in this period I also managed to have some of my finest 'mommy' days. Baking and crafting and all of those things (all the while slowly sipping the wine).

Eventually, I started to reach a point of acceptance. I apologised to my clients for setting such high standards in the beginning (committing to tutorials) that I wasn't able to maintain. And I stopped, I just stopped. I started to do everything a lot slower. Everything became almost like a meditation and I realised that days don't actually fly by if you, yourself, are not flying. I found some people that I started to listen to on YouTube that spoke words of absolute calm and sense (I'll leave their details for you at the end) and I started listening while doing the dishes, hanging the washing and cleaning the house. I created a chore system which was less militant and more fair and explained how things would work - and we all started to contribute. The days had a beautiful calm quality to them (and I started to sip less wine)

I enjoyed morning yoga or pilates online and really enjoyed cooking beautiful meals, ones I had time to prepare, meals I tasted. I noticed the birds singing and asked my boyfriend if more birds were around than normal. He said that they had always been there.

Online schooling commenced and brought with it its own set of challenges. My daughters, both academic and independent got on with it with very little involvement from me. My son on the other hand absolutely resisted the process with all his might. In fact sitting with him to complete the copious worksheets (homework) is enough to drive me back to the early Corona drinking levels. I wonder how teachers do it, and I also wonder if his current schooling system is the right one for him?

One of my lockdown highlights has to be the day we were allowed to go for our first walk within a certain time frame and distance. I will truly never forget that day.

People! There they were! People in the streets, on the pavements, people with prams, dogs, bikes, so many hello's from strangers. Such a sense of community, a reprieve from the isolation. I continue to walk virtually every day, it's my life line to the outside world and a time when my mind opens up to more than what's going on in my walls.

Along with the passing of time and the unraveling of my mind I have managed to finally get to a point of being open to new possibilities. I have always said that I believe part of my purpose here is to share my story with others, knowing, through experience that resonance has a wonderful way of helping us to feel less alone, more connected and more validated.

When I work with people's hair, doing hair is actually the thing I like least about doing hair (I've openly admitted this to my clients) but hairdressing is merely a platform for connection, resonance and sharing. An opportunity to hold space for people and help to transform their energy both physically and emotionally.

I have been trying to think of ways to still be able to do this without having to physically do hair, if I can't. I know that in ways my clients will not be happy to hear this revelation, however I also know that they care about me and would respect any decision I made that would positively impact myself and my family. I have to think about myself and my family.

I am so blessed to have been taught the skill, it has enabled me in so many ways, it is incredible to believe that I was taught to hair dress over 20 years ago! (Tamsyn is INCREDIBLE at what she does).

It has taken me awhile to allow myself to let go without feeling guilty, I am now comfortable in the realisation that we go through phases and seasons in life and that it may be OK to let this one go.

As a mom of three and a woman with a constant stream of new ideas I'm finding it harder and harder to stand in one place all day and feel content doing so.

So after much contemplating and the gift of time in which to have done it. I have new ideas on how to continue to have these beautiful conversations. I will have to tantalise you by holding back as to what that is, but what I can say is I have never felt more clear and excited in a very long time!

So how did I get to this place of new possibility?

How did I move from immobilised to flow? A few things happened. By going through the anger and fear, and I mean really feeling it! I was able to let go of it. I slipped into a more centred space where as I said - I could no longer hide in the busyness and was forced to surrender. It had been a long time since I had uttered the words, please help me... I don't know what to do. From this place I found a softer, more vulnerable part of me (which you can see on my @hellohairfourways Facebook page where I shed some serious tears in my salon). From this space came unexpected opportunities which have aligned me with new possibilities.

I am in absolute gratitude for the AHA moment of what I actually want to do with my life! Just a shift in platforms. Obviously I will still be doing hair until this beautiful dream is realised (and paying the bills) and I will do it with the love and care I always have.

The other day, another image/vision came to mind (they typically happen while I'm on a walk).

The woman that was left lying on the shore, naked and afraid, stood up, still naked, but no longer afraid. Although at first she turned back to the ocean, she did not walk back that way. She simply said:

Thank you. Thank you for the lessons, the distractions, the protection, and for being just what I needed.

She then turned around and bravely faced a new island and took a few steps into the unknown.

I hope that, like me, their has been a silver lining in the otherwise disruptive nature of the Corona Virus. If you resonate with me and would like to connect, please send me an email. I would love your support in this new venture and to have the opportunity to perhaps invite you to collaborate on this new project.

I haven't even covered the adventures of my love life during lockdown! I'll have to write again. All that is left is a question in the air, and a decision I will need to bravely face.