By Loren Best
4 years..1460 days..35 040 hours..2 102 400 minutes is how long we waited for our little miracle baby…yet my heart was ready to become a mother within the very first second. Life, on the other hand, had other plans.
Our journey to become parents started much like most family-ready couples: Excited, nervous and of course convinced we would fall pregnant on the first try. Well, that’s what you spend your entire high school career believing right? However after 6 months of trying unsuccessfully to naturally fall pregnant we feared that something may be wrong. And just like that we became one in four. A statistic that said 3 other couples can do what nature intended - but you can’t.
I was a statistic that left me isolated, afraid and hopeless.
In a way, I am glad I didn’t know what heartbreak lay ahead. I’m sure if I did I would have given up straight away. But, something in me (in the greatest depths of my heart kept me going) kept me fighting for my dream of becoming a mother.
At first it was simply a waiting game...month after month of blood tests, scans and hormone crazy drugs that left me reeling from the fun loving, care –free woman I was before; to being flung headfirst into an emotional and physical wreck. Our life revolved around trying to fall pregnant. It consumed my every breathing moment. Soon the medication buffet became a much harder pill to swallow.
After a painful laparoscopy I was diagnosed with Stage 2 endometriosis.
A debilitating disease where abnormal tissue grows outside of your uterus creating vicious lesions that distort and fuse your organs together. Our Gynae immediately recommend artificial insemination. I remember how hopeful I still felt at this stage. Spending every moment Googling early pregnancy symptoms, DPO negative pregnancy tests and wishing so hard to be pregnant that my mind would cruelly fabricate the illusion that "this time it had worked."
Spoiler alert..it hadn’t.
And every single time I would be crushed. A monthly roller-coaster from the highest hopes to shattered dreams. By now I had tried everything: smoothies, acupuncture, crystals, yoga, a pharmacy of fertility meds and a mile long list of procedures. I tried it all. My abdomen still bares all the scars. While faint and faded now, unlike the emotional scars which are still to this day angry, bitter and inflamed. Those wounds will never completely heal and that’s just the beginning of my story.
Admitting defeat my Gynae recommended we see a fertility specialist. Of course we went with the one with the most success stories. I mean wouldn’t you? Little did we know we would be putting my life and that of our precious embryos in the uncaring hands of negligent, money hungry, soulless monsters who prayed on those at their most vulnerable. Those who would pay anything, would do anything to have a child. I think at this point I should tell you that I have one phobia, and one I have had my whole life. Needles.
So, of course when they said the next option has to be IVF I was petrified. I remember that first morning - just before I had to go to work. Standing in my lounge mixing the IVF meds into an injection. I was shaking, a cold sweat cloying to my skin. I couldn’t undo the lid of the needle, I became frantic, suddenly the lid came off and the needle went straight through the center of my thumb and thumb nail. There was blood everywhere, and I was sobbing. Tears streaming down my cheeks at the unfairness of it all. Trying so hard to be brave for my husband, brave for my family, and brave for me. These tears wouldn’t be the last, far from it actually.
The cycle didn’t work. Neither did the second one.
Financially drained and emotionally broken. It was time to take a break. My body desperately needed it and so did our marriage. It hurt my husband, so very deeply. My sweet, kind husband who felt hopeless while he watched me crumble from the sidelines. My mom, my rock, oh how it must have killed her to watch helplessly as her own child lay curled up in searing pain, begging her for answers to questions which tore her heart apart. The immense guilt that I felt being the one that was the reason our family was incomplete haunted me day and night. Like a black shadow it swallowed all light and happiness from me. Following my every move it seeped into my soul and poisoned my nature. I felt nothing but resentment, bitterness and anger. Of all the happy moments infertility robbed me of, the most painful was when my brother and sister in law announced that they were pregnant - without even trying. For the rest of my life I will have to carry the shame of knowing that I felt only hatred for their joyous news. Perhaps one day I will be able to explain to them why and tell them how deeply sorry I am.
Time passed slowly and bit by bit my body and soul started to piece itself back together and I was ready to try again. Starting fresh, we saw a new fertility clinic and the difference was night and day. Where the previous one destroyed hope this one gave us hope. Even after a second laparoscopy where I was now diagnosed with severe Stage 4 Endometrioses with Endometriomas, I knew it wasn’t the end of the road. Time was of the essence though, the destruction my endo had caused was immense and as a result the pain was enough to bring one face to face with very desperate thoughts and choices. But I held onto my greatest desire which was stronger then any crippling hold this disease had over me.
So, we embarked on our third IVF. Everything looked perfect. And I was convinced it would work. It didn’t. This time I felt nothing, I had become numb. Dead inside.
I shut myself away from the world, allowing no love in. Days tuned into months and slowly hope grew in the pitch black corners of my barren womb. I was ready to try again. After all, what other choice did I have? Living a life without the child I knew in my soul I was destined to carry. It was simply not an option.
We went into our last IVF with no expectations. No strict diets, no crazy vitamins imported from the states, no old wives tales. We went into it with no fear. I still remember taking a pregnancy test at 4am on a balmy May morning, and for so many years that positive symbol had alluded me. Yet there it was.
I couldn’t believe my eyes..I was finally pregnant, I was finally with child.
I often get asked..”would you do it all again?” And even though I’m now on the other side - my answer is YES! Every single time yes. I would do it all again, because if we hadn’t struggled; it wouldn’t have been her. It wouldn’t have been this little girl with galaxies in her eyes, with a soul of sunshine and the most endearing nature. It wouldn’t have been our little girl. The little girl who made me a mother.
The journey was never easy but it was so worth it. Keep fighting, never give up hope.
However your journey to becoming a parent looks; it’s a journey only you can take. May you carry strength in your heart to pursue your dream of a family, always.
Her Scattered Petals | Life of Loren & Lottie
Picture maker & Insta blogger of living life in full bloom. motherhood | beauty | fashion | florals | my IVF miracle #growingupgently 📍Cape Town, SA
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Loren....to say I read this in tears is an understatement. You are amazing and really give hope. A sincere congratulations on your baby girl! So many words in your story resonate with how I truly feel and struggle to communicate to others. Tears are behind closed doors. My hubby has been my rock. Yes, we've certainly been tested. It has been so hard on us. But we are not giving up.
Wow, this moved me to tears. We are going into our second round of IUI after an unsuccessful first try and I can relate to every word of this. Although it is early days, I really assumed I would just fall pregnant on the first try. The universe clearly has other ideas. I have gone from being a career-focused workaholic to being completely consumed with the dream of starting a family. And I already feel hollowed out by the intensity of the highs and lows that have accompanied the process. Here's to hoping dreams do come true in the end...in the meanwhile, thank-you for sharing this - you don't know how much it helps...
Such an incredible and close to home story!!!! We struggled for 5 years to fall pregnant due to pcos and unexplained infertility. These children are such a huge blessing 💕